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you don't want to die alone now... do you?
ha, I'm just kidding...
OR AM I?!
-a
Friday, September 19, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
duped....
I hate airports. I spend 8 hours a day/ 4 days a week in an airport terminal, breathing recycled air and dealing with irate passengers whose day I ruin because my bar carries Miller Lite instead of Amstel. So obviously, I'm not the most pleasant person when I'm traveling. I just didn't expect to feel the way I did today.
This weekend I broke up with a certain guy that I was absolutely insane for. And even though I played it off like it wasn't a big deal, for the first time in a very long time, I experienced some serious heartbreak.
The only way I can describe my relationship with Ryan is a whirlwind. Even though we initially spent very little time together, we were very close. We spoke on the phone for 3 hours a day and text messaged constantly, discussing what made us who we are today, our plans for the future, stupid isms and had what I thought was an amazing connection. Even though we live 1100 miles away from each other, we completely fell for each other. When we were together I was the happiest my friends have ever seen me. I had finally found an intelligent guy that I could talk to about anything, who constantly made me laugh, and could bust the running man in the middle of a bar with me.
But there was another side to Ryan which slowly began to emerge. This was the side that used self- destructive behavior to cope with whatever with he was trying to cope with. This Ryan was a fucking jackass. This Ryan would do crazy, dangerous shit and then tell me all about it like it wasn't a big deal. That's when I started get upset. I would yell because I cared so much about him, and I knew his life would go in a downward spiral if he continued to get himself into such nonsense. But he didn't care that I cared. It made me shut down and not want to speak when I was around him. This man who weeks before told me he loved me soooo much was now telling me that he didn't care about how I felt. So that's essentially how I knew it was over. That and the fact that on Thursday he didn't even hug me after seeing me for the first time in over a month.....a girl can kinda take a hint.
Anyway, what's thrown me off so much is how some of my family and friends say they saw it coming, that they're relieved it's over, and that they say I seemed miserable every time I was around him. How they feel its not a big deal, and it should be easy to move on. I changed my plans to go to school in the Caribbean for this guy, told my parents about him (which I've never done with ANY other guy), and have sacrificed a good deal of my social life so I wouldn't get drunk and do anything crazy to jeopardize our relationship. I went into this with my eyes open, and for the first time in a long time worked to keep a relationship going. Hearing another person's dismissive perspective has made me question my love for him and ultimately my judgment, which I used to believe is pretty on-point.
Am I really that dumb girl?
This weekend I got completely trashed to deal with the fact that everything I felt for someone was thrown back in my face and completely invalidated. I had double vision, threw up and fell over for 48 hours. It was pretty pathetic. I was, however, completely sober as I walked through the Orlando airport on my way home this afternoon. As I walked to my gate, disoriented and racking my brain on how things ended up the way they did, all I saw were ridiculously happy families and couples heading home from their Disney World vacations. It was a punch to the stomach as I remembered the places we wanted to travel to and how I actually considered having a family with him. I felt the lump in my throat, and tears stung my eyes as I swallowed back the bile that was rising. I felt like an empty shell and walked on like a zombie. I was so confused and alone.
It wasn't until I got back to Philly when I realized that I wasn't just infatuated with Ryan. I know that person I fell in love with is possibly still there. I pray it wasn't a facade, and I hope for his sake that he realizes how amazing he was before the bullshit and figures his life out.
When I told him I finally found I was looking for, I meant it. When he got into trouble and I told him we were in it together, and whatever happens to him happened to me...I abso-fucking-lutely meant it.
I don't care what anyone says, my love for him was real.
It's just that the man I fell in love with wasn't real. It's almost as if he never existed.
This weekend I broke up with a certain guy that I was absolutely insane for. And even though I played it off like it wasn't a big deal, for the first time in a very long time, I experienced some serious heartbreak.
The only way I can describe my relationship with Ryan is a whirlwind. Even though we initially spent very little time together, we were very close. We spoke on the phone for 3 hours a day and text messaged constantly, discussing what made us who we are today, our plans for the future, stupid isms and had what I thought was an amazing connection. Even though we live 1100 miles away from each other, we completely fell for each other. When we were together I was the happiest my friends have ever seen me. I had finally found an intelligent guy that I could talk to about anything, who constantly made me laugh, and could bust the running man in the middle of a bar with me.
But there was another side to Ryan which slowly began to emerge. This was the side that used self- destructive behavior to cope with whatever with he was trying to cope with. This Ryan was a fucking jackass. This Ryan would do crazy, dangerous shit and then tell me all about it like it wasn't a big deal. That's when I started get upset. I would yell because I cared so much about him, and I knew his life would go in a downward spiral if he continued to get himself into such nonsense. But he didn't care that I cared. It made me shut down and not want to speak when I was around him. This man who weeks before told me he loved me soooo much was now telling me that he didn't care about how I felt. So that's essentially how I knew it was over. That and the fact that on Thursday he didn't even hug me after seeing me for the first time in over a month.....a girl can kinda take a hint.
Anyway, what's thrown me off so much is how some of my family and friends say they saw it coming, that they're relieved it's over, and that they say I seemed miserable every time I was around him. How they feel its not a big deal, and it should be easy to move on. I changed my plans to go to school in the Caribbean for this guy, told my parents about him (which I've never done with ANY other guy), and have sacrificed a good deal of my social life so I wouldn't get drunk and do anything crazy to jeopardize our relationship. I went into this with my eyes open, and for the first time in a long time worked to keep a relationship going. Hearing another person's dismissive perspective has made me question my love for him and ultimately my judgment, which I used to believe is pretty on-point.
Am I really that dumb girl?
This weekend I got completely trashed to deal with the fact that everything I felt for someone was thrown back in my face and completely invalidated. I had double vision, threw up and fell over for 48 hours. It was pretty pathetic. I was, however, completely sober as I walked through the Orlando airport on my way home this afternoon. As I walked to my gate, disoriented and racking my brain on how things ended up the way they did, all I saw were ridiculously happy families and couples heading home from their Disney World vacations. It was a punch to the stomach as I remembered the places we wanted to travel to and how I actually considered having a family with him. I felt the lump in my throat, and tears stung my eyes as I swallowed back the bile that was rising. I felt like an empty shell and walked on like a zombie. I was so confused and alone.
It wasn't until I got back to Philly when I realized that I wasn't just infatuated with Ryan. I know that person I fell in love with is possibly still there. I pray it wasn't a facade, and I hope for his sake that he realizes how amazing he was before the bullshit and figures his life out.
When I told him I finally found I was looking for, I meant it. When he got into trouble and I told him we were in it together, and whatever happens to him happened to me...I abso-fucking-lutely meant it.
I don't care what anyone says, my love for him was real.
It's just that the man I fell in love with wasn't real. It's almost as if he never existed.
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